sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
