You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
