you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
