sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
