when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
