i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
