I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
