it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
