You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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