I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
