I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
