My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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