I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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