Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
