bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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