I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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