IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
