New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
