Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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