hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
