it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
