i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will pee on everything he values.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
