You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
