24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
