Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
