I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
