I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
