If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I pour the whiskey from now on
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
