Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
