i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
