so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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