I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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