Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
