She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
