her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
