How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
