I hate your face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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