You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
