i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
