I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
