Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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