just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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