So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
