I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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