Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
