We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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