I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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