This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
