Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
