So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
