Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
